The mental aspect

It’s been a tough week for me.  A week of discovery and a week of challenge in many ways.  Challenging my thoughts, behaviors. 

I don’t know why but as my weight began to creep up the scale was really nothing to me.  Not something I really thought about.  Sure I stepped on it from time to time, but really could walk away in disgust.  

This last month the scale has become something entirely different.  It seems to kinda cheer me on when I’m doing good and it’s going down or remaining consistent, and I stay motivated.  And then when it creep up I feel the tension and defeat take over me.  

So I was somewhat relieved when my health coach offered to take it.  But also somewhat left in an place of uncomforted because I now longer could gauge my success and worth my what the scale told me.

This is my struggle now.  You could put all the old foods unused to love in front of  me and not be tempted.  It really wouldn’t make it hard,  however taking the one thing that made me feel in control and also worth it, away has tanked me.  

And now weigh in day comes tomorrow and I am absolutely sick to my stomach terrified what it will say. 

Did I do good this week? Do I deserve to be a health coach because I myself am successful? Am I worthy?  

And if it reads something short of success my worry is I will tank.  I will decide it’s right and I quit.  

I wasn’t prepared for those emotions to come from taking control of my health.

As a believer I also know I’m under attack.  Not something everyone will feel or get.  But my mind has been so heavy.  The things I sit and tell myself day would disgust me and break my heart if I heard someone I love say. 

And yet, this is the cup laid before me to drink from.  My prayer is I can remain strong in the mist of adversity.