Bracing for impact

I don’t even have the words to break down where I am at this moment.  I feel lost, confused, hurt, scared.  I’m in a place I cannot say I’ve ever been.  I cannot wrap my head around 6 awesome crazy good weeks.  Sure a little bit of stumbling here and there.  But overall felt awesome and in control.

These last few weeks I’ve felt so out of control.  Still following my goals and eating to meet them.  Still losing even if it’s small.

But dang it the emotions have totally engulfed me.  I’m at this uncomfortable place of who the hell am I?  What is my purpose Jesus? please just make it clear.

It very uncomfortable and uneasy.  I’m usually one that hides my emotions and feelings well unless I feel safe.  And I’m at a complete loss of controlling these emotions.  And a huge part of that is I let someone in on a deep level and it freaks me the heck out.  I know better.  I realized this last week.  And I am not someone who lets people in like that.  And now I did it and I’m freaking out.  Like someone knows me, messed up, past of crap me.  So now I find myself in this typical rush to retract and do life alone, and gain my independence.  Thanks satan. 

I told you this would be all over. A week ago I sat at my nieces party and for the first time in many many years found myself glancing across the park staring at a man who took my life from me.  And I think from there my life is snowballing.  I mean I swore he’d never have control again.  And yet, here I am.  I think seeing him and feeling that heart racing panic, has taken over.  For the life of me I don’t know why.

But losing these layers of protection is so vulnerable.

The layers of 

I’ve been sexually abused 

My mom told me at 16 she wished she’d had an abortion with me like her mom told her to.

Watching my mom have the crap beat out of her

Being physically abused myself

Having men take advantage of me, proving my worth through sex

Being raped by while married to my ex husband 

Losing a child 

Being divorced 

My own father not wanting me (thank you good old Father’s Day for reminding me I’ll never have a dad)

Struggling with mental illness 

Trying to commit suicide many times

Cutting to relieve the pain   

And then to top it off I’m trying my beat to meet goals I am down right sucking at!!! And then I’m almost thankful I’m sucking at.  My goal was by end of June to have 5 clients.  I have 3, and I haven’t managed it perfectly and I get so overwhelmed.  Why would I want 5 people’s health in my hand.  I clearly do NOT have my shit together.  I can’t even function lately. 

Who was I kidding I am not cut out to be anyone’s health coach.

I will be a great sideline cheerleader but that’s as far as I’m managing.  

And then I sit and look at my life.  What have I accomplished?  Okay yes I have 5 beautiful insanely crazy kids.  But I’m almost 40.

I sit home and do daycare, I don’t own my own home I still rent.  My emotional life is a hot mess.  My husband is making me crazy despite how much I love him. And I’m flipping depressed!!!! I feel like a nobody.  Someday my kids will be grown and raised and then what?

And by the way who the hell is angela?  I don’t even know who I am.  What do I like?  I’m struggling finding my worth and value. 

I know I’m working on me, and it’s painful as hell. 

One thing is for sure I never knew losing weight would be this exposing to so much more.  It’s taking every ounce of strength to not fight or flight right now.  Because this is painful and uncomfortable. Every moment I face a decision to not quit.  It was safe hiding behind that 274lbs.  No one noticed you, no one cared.  I didn’t exist.

Now daily I’m facing the demons daily, hourly.  The ones while I’m getting ready for the day that tell me “no amount of makeup can help you, you can put on 10lbs of it and you’ll still be you”, “they only talk to you because you have something to offer, your not worthy of good friends”. “Who are you kidding you’ll always be fat”.

My goodness this is exhausting.  And some moments I am so done fighting the good fight.  Others I’m trying to stand on my own to feet and take just a few steps.