Discovering me

I don’t even have the words to break down where I am at this moment.  I feel lost, confused, hurt, scared.  I’m in a place I cannot say I’ve ever been.  I cannot wrap my head around 6 awesome crazy good weeks.  Sure a little bit of stumbling here and there.  But overall felt awesome and in control. These last few weeks I’ve felt so out of control.  Still following my goals and eating to meet them.  Still losing even if it’s small. But dang it the emotions have totally engulfed me.  I’m at this uncomfortable place of who the hell am I?  What is my purpose Jesus? please just make it clear. It very uncomfortable and uneasy.  I’m usually one that hides my emotions and feelings well unless I feel safe.  And I’m at a complete loss of controlling these emotions.  And a huge part of that is I let someone in on a deep level and it freaks me the heck out.  I know better.  I realized this last week.  And I am not someone wh...

It’s been a tough week for me.  A week of discovery and a week of challenge in many ways.  Challenging my thoughts, behaviors.  I don’t know why but as my weight began to creep up the scale was really nothing to me.  Not something I really thought about.  Sure I stepped on it from time to time, but really could walk away in disgust.   This last month the scale has become something entirely different.  It seems to kinda cheer me on when I’m doing good and it’s going down or remaining consistent, and I stay motivated.  And then when it creep up I feel the tension and defeat take over me.   So I was somewhat relieved when my health coach offered to take it.  But also somewhat left in an place of uncomforted because I now longer could gauge my success and worth my what the scale told me. This is my struggle now.  You could put all the old foods unused to love in front of  me and not be tempted.  It really wouldn’t mak...

April 1st of 2019  I finally was sick of being sick.  But the problem lies with was I really, and how committed to me could I really be this time.  As most who know me well know I have done it all.  Weight watchers, slimgenics, soup diets, and end result was I never stayed committed enough for me to really be healthy long term. But I watched and watched some posts from a few fellow friends of friends on social media.  But was never really sure I wanted to jump in again.  Just wasn’t sure if I’d be the successful one like they posted. Wasn’t sure I was ready to step into defeat once again. I wanted change but at what cost?  The choice was let the scale keep rising.  I was at an all time high of 274, I was disgusted with the image in the mirror, with the way my body moved, how out of breath I was often. Finally I decided enough was enough, I was going to do it.  April 1st I committed to health.  From then till mid June I lost 30lbs.  ...