Starting from the beginning

April 1st of 2019 

I finally was sick of being sick.  But the problem lies with was I really, and how committed to me could I really be this time. 

As most who know me well know I have done it all.  Weight watchers, slimgenics, soup diets, and end result was I never stayed committed enough for me to really be healthy long term.

But I watched and watched some posts from a few fellow friends of friends on social media.  But was never really sure I wanted to jump in again.  Just wasn’t sure if I’d be the successful one like they posted.

Wasn’t sure I was ready to step into defeat once again. I wanted change but at what cost? 

The choice was let the scale keep rising.  I was at an all time high of 274, I was disgusted with the image in the mirror, with the way my body moved, how out of breath I was often.

Finally I decided enough was enough, I was going to do it.  April 1st I committed to health.  From then till mid June I lost 30lbs.  I felt good in my skin.  

And then as typical life would have it, everything I felt good about flipped upside down.

My home of 7 years was being sold after we just agreed to sign a new lease.  And this news came to us while on a vacation we needed to badly.  Talk about timing.   Sadly as hard as we tried it killed the joy from the rest of our vacation. 

We have a family of 8, and two dogs.  We live in a rather expensive town. 

How on earth do you even move within two months with a family our size? 

Once we got that all figured out, and found somewhere to call home temporarily for a few years.  We got  devastating news, my mom has bone marrow cancer.

So life took a very abrupt halt.

Then one of my teen sons, struggled with some awful demons of depression, anxiety that just consumed our lives.  

I couldn’t get back to me, I was the care taker.  So I put back on about 20lbs.

From January-May I just basked in life and the struggles while totally half ass’ing my health.

Every part of my body was aching, I was miserable in so many different areas of life, emotions, physical aspects.

So May 4th I committed to me again.  But there’s was this strange shift that happened.  I can’t explain it, I can’t help others know when it’s time.  But I was in such a sweet spot and learned my life isn’t going to magically just become easy, better, manageable.  I had to learn to care for me in the mist of life.

Here I am today exactly 1 month later, to my day 1.  I am down roughly 23.2lbs from my starting weight. But the most amazing thing is I don’t have to be a closet eater.  I don’t have to feel like I’m hiding who I am.  Eating alone in the dark.

I still don’t like/love the image starring back at me.  But I have grace and know she’s a work in progress.  She’s really a warrior and will continue to chose health.

In the process of all of this happening I’ve gained friends who I would like to call family.  I’ve gained freedom from the chains surrounding food and shame. I no longer crave crap that really makes my body hurt.   And so many things just keep coming from choosing me.  No one was going to do it for me.  I mean I am very blessed because I have an amazing sideline of cheerleaders who have been so incredible and push me, challenge me and haven’t let me give up on me.  But really at any point I could go back to choosing food and shame.

My body is healing and it’s sooo cool to see what choosing to fuel my body with has done for me.

*learning more about myself. 

*not being chained to old habits. 

*freedom from the chains of living to eat. 

*feeling better 

* sleeping better 

* more self confidence

*being more present in life, enjoying meals with family more or in adventures because food isn’t a distraction.

*not needing my rescue inhaler, because foods that irritate my system are minimal.  I don’t even use my steroid inhaler twice a day like I’m suppose to. 

*my feet used to hurt so incredibly bad it held me back from so much.  During the day and at night I’d have to wrap them, just to do you alleviate some pain.  And getting out of bed I struggled because of the intense pain.  And all of a sudden last night it occurred to me that they didn’t hurt anymore. I hadn’t even noticed because I was too busy living. 

It’s never all pretty packages tied with a bow. I’d be lying if it painted dramatic change like that.

I’ve learned some hard painful things about myself in this process.  I’ve learned I hide well even if painful behind the layer of pain I put on.  

Sexual abuse scarred me in this way.

I learned I become super obsessive about things like the scale.  It’s been high five’ing me when it goes down.  And scolds me when the goes up.  There’s no in between.  So it had to go.  

I’ve learned I’m an all or nothing kinda person and I thrive on success and beat myself up for failure.  I have little grace for myself.  I allow that to spiral me into a breakable abyss. 

But I’ve also learned I’m so much stronger than that.  And I can change.  I’m excited for that change.

And I welcome anyone who needs a cheerleader on their sidelines.   I can’t run this race for you.  But you can be sure I’ll run along side you.